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A Welcome Anti-Climax…

bob —  January 31, 2013

Today, I did something I’ve been dreaming about for probably 20+ years.

I signed my first book contract with a Publisher. 

And it was… nice.

Not amazing, not “get-a-picture-of-me-signing-this!”… that’s right, not even quite a Kodak moment (can we still have those?).

Just nice.

And that in itself was really amazing.

As I mentioned in my last post, I went through a time of pretty obsessive blogging. Obsessive checking of stats, celebration of link-backs, thinking about “my platform”… the whole nine yards, as it were. And the entire time, always thinking about that moment when I got the ultimate recognition- a publisher who’d take me seriously.

Coincidentally, during all of this, I was preaching to people that they shouldn’t base their identity on things like what others thought of them, how well they were doing in achieving their goals,  etc.

Yeah, I know.

Eventually though, it sunk in. It took a season away from blogging, away from worrying that if I didn’t write, didn’t comment on the latest Driscoll silliness or get a certain amount of retweets and hat-tips I’d lose that sense of identity I had built around writing.

I know I’m still not out of the woods. I know an identity based on what Jesus thinks of me, not what you, the ethereal reader, thinks of me is a constant struggle to maintain. Refocusing daily on Christ, remembering what He’s done for me, constantly pushing down the ego needs of a heart dead set on gaining approval from a myriad of other sources rather than the rock-solid affirmation of the love of God, that continues to be the work of my life.

And it will be even through writing what I hope will be many more blog posts, articles and books. Writing because I think it’s helpful for others and I have something I can and should say, not because I want to be seen as the guy who has written something.

That’s a fine line.

Wish me luck in keeping that balance.

Oh… and buy my book!

Crap.

A New Chapter…

bob —  January 29, 2013

It all started with a conversation I had with my friend and co-pastor Dustin Bagby.

As we pondered adding new elders to our team, he was researching resources for eldership in the missional church setting. There’s been a decent amount written on eldership- but mostly in traditional church and denominational contexts. None seemed of much help for a smaller start-up like Evergreen. 

“There really needs to be a better resource on this,” he said.

I agreed.

A few months later I was at a Church Planters Boot Camp, thinking about just such issues and was talking with another friend, J.R. Briggs. He’s a fantastic leader and coach of other church planters, and during the conversation I asked him if he, like me, ever had church planters or pastors ask questions regarding developing people in eldership and elder teams. Yes, he said. Quite regularly, in fact.

I then asked if he knew of any resources specifically for church planters and missional pastors on eldership.

Hmmm…. We both thought for a few minutes and came up empty. As we both reflected on our own experience in planting: other than the New Testament text, we had little direction, guidance or practical help in developing, recruiting, equipping and installing elders – nor did we know where to go to find any resources on the topic for our context in particular.

 “That’s exactly the point,” I said. “There needs to be a resource specifically for those who are seeking to prayerfully develop elders as they cultivate faith communities remaining on mission.”
(Actually, that’s how he remembers the conversation. I remember saying something more like “Dude! We should totally write that!”)

The New Testament is clear on some things, but not on others. What do elders do exactly – not in theory but in practice? How do we pick them when we start out? How do elders make decisions for and more importantly with the Church? How do they interact with the body of the church?  How often should churches hold elder meetings and how exactly should you spend your time in these meetings? How do we build a sense of community and team amongst a board and avoid adversarial relationships? Can elder meetings actually be full of joy, hope and anticipation? And how many of these answers are set in stone and how many of them are deeply dependent upon the context, size and personality of the local church God has created? 

J.R. has written some great books and I had a sense that we would work well together on something like this. As we both have been blessed with great elders in the process of our church plants and have both content and experiences to share with others, I felt a co-writing venture would be a good fit. Later that week, J.R. and I sat in the garden of the retreat center we were at for an entire afternoon and developed a significant outline of ideas of what a project like this might look like.

We were on our way. We put together a proposal and took it to J.R.’s literary agent. He began shopping the proposal around and were excited to land at InterVarsity Press . IVP

Tentatively, this project is called Eldership in a Missional Church (though the title quite possibly could change somewhere in the process). Though it is a niche book (to say the least), it is something that is needed by many pastors and church planters – either in new church contexts or those trying to ‘right the ship’ when it comes to healthy leadership structures in their churches.

I’m excited and hopeful at signing my first publishing contract. I feel like after a history of blogging too much and then not enough, and a season of really contemplating the “whys” of public writing and speaking,  I’m back in a place where I have some good things to say, and want to say them for the right reasons.

This is going to be an interesting year (and by interesting I mean “insane”). The book manuscript is due early September, which seems like a ways off, but I’m currently in the middle of a Doctoral program at George Fox and need to get started on Dissertation this year as well.

Me and my computer are really going to deepen our relationship this year, I think. Hopefully, through this project, God will deepen in me my love for His church, His people and others who have given their lives leading and serving both.

Forgetting The Love Of God

bob —  October 17, 2012
But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and herbs of all kinds, and neglect justice and the love of God; it is these you ought to have practised, without neglecting the others.”- Luke 11:42-46

Jesus accused the Pharisees of forgetting, neglecting two things: justice and the love of God. In other words, of violating the two greatest commandments (love God and love your neighbor). Leaving aside the HUGE topic of justice for the moment, the phrase “the love of God” was arresting to me as I heard it today. What struck me about this was that the phrase “the love of God” can be read in two directions- the love we have for God and the love God has for us and by extension the love God has for others.

There’s been a lot written about the love of God for us in recent years. We are slowly recovering our identity as “the Beloved.” This is important work- until we see how much God values us, loves us, has sacrificed for us, we will never truly understand, accept and be able to then live out the Gospel. We will forever be stuck in the mode of “I am accepted because/when/if I obey” and never reach “I obey out of gratitude because I am accepted.”

This will then necessarily hinder us in our understanding for God’s love of others. How could I possibly see God’s love for sinners if I believe God’s love for me is dependent on my own righteousness and not the righteousness of Christ and my inherent nature as His creation?

And so not to diminish the important work of living in our “belovedness,” I felt the call today to focus instead on, or maybe in addition to, the other other direction- my love for God.

“We love Him because He first loved us” remains incomplete when we focus on the love of God for us without letting it move us into love for Him, worship of Him, gratitude for Him.

I think I have a ways to go in growing in my love for God- my emotional connection to and cherishing of the God who gave up everything, who suffered great pain and endured the cross for my sake. My heart often remains stuck in worship- stuck in “Oh how He loves you and me!” and only rarely flows into “Oh how I love HIM.”

I desperately desire not to forget the love of God for me. I equally desire not to forget to stoke the fire of love for Him in my heart.

God, as I come to worship each day, as I arrive at worship each Sunday with my community, may I know and feel your love for me deeply, and may I respond in kind, with open-hearted, full-willed love for You. May I truly love You with all my heart, soul and strength.

Some Big Changes…

bob —  January 6, 2012

This week I became something I haven’t been in a long, long time.
A part-time pastor.

Since we started Evergreen, I’ve been full-time. I embraced the idea of bi-vocationalism if necessary to get the community off the ground, but always counted myself lucky that I was able to devote my energies full-time to our community.
So what’s changed?
Mostly, me.
Over the last couple of years some significant things have happened. One, i’ve developed a good side income that more than pays the bills with a minimal amount of energy. It’s truly been a blessing- and no, I won’t tell you my secrets :)
Two, I’ve emerged from a period of significant burn out, ready to pry my white knuckles off the wheel for awhile.
And three, I think that a lot of leaders talk about handing off the baton to others, but never get around to it until forced. I want to do it differently.

In all of this I’ve tried hard to listen to what God has been saying to me about where I’m at as a man, a husband and father and as a pastor. I’ve tried to discern between the path of least resistance and what’s actually spiritually forming even if uncomfortable. Lots of talks with my wife, with my spiritual director and others..
When I came back from sabbatical this last summer I told the elders I wanted to begin making myself less “essential” in the grand scheme of things. Too much was resting on my shoulders and the weight (or more precisely, how I handled the weight) was doing me in. I told them it was my plan to begin to significantly hand off things over a nine month period.
Half way through, we are well on the way. I’m now down to 3/4 time at Evergreen, more and more Dustin is ably stepping into the places I’m stepping out of, the Elders and picking up more and more… it’s a good thing all the way around.
It’s interesting that around the Ecclesia network in general, I see more and more church planters stepping back and handing off to a next generation of leadership. I think it’s a good ethos we have going here.
Sometimes leadership is about doing and some times it’s about not (or no longer) doing. And sometimes it’s not so much about starting things as it is about creatively stepping back and seeing what happens.

It’s Official

bob —  November 16, 2011

Yup- it’s official.
Between school, ministry, family, the side business that pays for school, I officially have more to do than time in which to do it. And that doesn’t even include the things I would LIKE to be doing, but just don’t have time for right now, things like exercise and reading for enjoyment… And blogging.

As with most of life, I think the secret here is a matter of perspective. Generally, in the past I’ve allowed a wrong perspective to make things worse/harder.

So, with that in mind, here are some things I’m trying to keep in mind.

1. This is a season. Whatever stress I’m feeling is time-limited. Usually we lose hope when we buy into the lie that how things are is how things will always be. We do that in good times (and so are constantly surprised by hard times when they come) and we do it in the hard times as well. And in doing so, we turn what is effectively a sprint into an endless marathon, mentally, and lose the perspective of the finish line. That perspective is vital in tough times- even when we don’t know exactly where or how far off the finish line is, just knowing it’s there can keep us from despair. “This too shall pass.”

2. I’m thankful… Let me rephrase… I’m TRYING to be thankful for times that increase my sense of reliance on God. Yes, faith in God is a crutch. Absolutely. And we ALL have broken legs. The sooner we realize that, the better off we are. And anything or anyone that helps me recognize that should be seen as a gift. I could choose to live my life in such a way that I was never stretched beyond the limits of my own internal resources. It would be comfortable and to a certain extent, easy. It would also be devoid of any sense of purpose beyond my own comfort and any sense of making a difference for anyone else. To move into that territory, we are talking about, by definition, what’s beyond me. And for that, I need God. I need to live in and out of that same power that raised Christ from the dead. I need the Holy Spirit on a moment-by-moment basis as a guide, a teacher, and encouragement, a check to my conscience and more. I need others to play that role too- so community and family are essential. But without that baseline of the Holy Spirit’s active presence in my life, I’m sunk.

3. And lastly, in these moments of busyness, activity and overwhelming demands, I need the Gospel. I NEED the Good News that my life, and the justifying of my existence does not rest on my shoulders. It rests on the shoulders of Someone infinitely more able to carry that weight than I. I look to Jesus and am so grateful that the real work of my life is hands more capable than mine. And in knowing that, I can take my energy and put it, rather than to justifying myself or trying to earn something from God, to things I CAN control- growing in the love of God and my neighbor.

Thank you God for times of frenetic activity that make those times of rest and sabbath even more sweet. Help me to live in that sabbath-rest mindset, even as I work hard physically and mentally. Help me to rest in the finished work of Christ so that the work I do comes from a place of gratitude and service and not endless self-justification, and so that when the end of the week comes, the most natural thing in the world becomes laying it down and adding physical rest to the spiritual rest I’ve been enjoying all along.

Peace…

bob —  July 11, 2011

Saturday I was driving somewhere, doing something- I don’t really remember what and it’s not particularly important. But, alone with my thoughts and a bit more than 2/3 of the way thru my sabbatical, I realized- I’m not at peace.

Rested, yes. Relaxed, yes. Happy- as much as anyone could reasonably expect. And yet, that internal churn, that turmoil of never quite feeling at ease. At ease with myself or others, with the state of my world, with the state of my life.

Then I began wondering why this would be and what it should tell me- what did I need to do, change, become? Was it even possible this side of things to find “peace?”

I wasn’t long down this train of thought before I knew that the kind of peace I was desiring, the emotional rest and contentedness I needed, probably wasn’t going to be found in rearranging the furniture- not even the furniture of my inward life and certainly not the furniture of my outward life.
It came to me that the type of thing I wanted was first and foremost a gift, one given by God and received with thankfulness, not something found, earned or manufactured.

So I did the only thing I knew to do- I asked God for peace. Sitting in traffic, I prayed, and told God what I felt I needed and asked Him to provide it.
And graciously, He answered.

I have found myself over the last couple of days finally enjoying what has felt lacking for so long- not a sense that all was right in the world, because we all know that’s not so, not even the range-limited world of “my life”, but that I am okay with the world that is and my place in it- my place in enjoying it, contributing to it, changing it, being changed by it…

How long I will feel this way, I don’t know. And I really have no point in writing this other than maybe simply to testify that God is good, and the kind of Father who delights in our delight and when asked by His child for something good, something delicious, sometimes answers, “Yes, of course- I’m glad you asked! I would love to give you that.”

Slouching Towards Sabbatical…

bob —  April 28, 2011

I'm winding down, taking care of last-minute details, trying to make sure all is ready… so I can drop out of vocational ministry for 3 months. 

 

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Last Sunday I preached my final sermon for the next little while. And, coming as it did after a long night of sweating out a fever of almost 103, it felt a bit more like limping over the finish line than anything else. But regardless, what was wonderful was being prayed for, blessed and "sent" in a sense, by the community.

This week, after 7 years with few breaks (I don't think there's been a year where I actually used all of my vacation) I'm setting it down, stepping away and taking a deep breath. 

To tell you the truth, it couldn't come at a better time. Even though I have felt some sense of recovery these last few months, I still feel pretty crispy around the edges, pretty low on reserves… And already, I can feel certain brain cells waking up again- just taking the weight of ministry off (not the responsibility to care, but the responsibility to do something about it) is opening up bandwidth. I feel like I'm having the emotional and mental equivalent of nasal passages opening after taking a hit of nose spray. Words, ideas… feelings. Ahh, there they are. It's good. 

Some have lovingly questioned my desire not to disappear completely but to remain somewhat connected to the community through being around on Sundays. I'll admit- there's some risk there, but here's my thinking. 

When we first started Evergreen, one of my desires was to help build and pastor in a community where I felt like I could take a vacation WITH the people I was in community with, not FROM them. I had been in plenty of situations where the second was true… but never really the first. 

And for the first 3, 3 1/2 years or so, I think that's exactly what I had. 

But over the last few years, something has changed- the dynamic flipped, and to be honest, I want to push back against that feeling. Yes, there are times to get away, to be alone or be with family or friends who aren't part of our community. But if I can't just be a part of things, can't be friends, can't worship with, can't recreate with, can't do life with these folks- if this is just a position or a job for me, from which I need to take regular and extended breaks, well… that may be okay for others, but it's never what I envisioned and it's not what I want now. 

So I'm going to try it and see. Can I just show up and worship with my family at Evergreen? Can I be a part of our community without having to run things, adjust things (and as Dustin warned me this week) have the last word on Sunday? Can I just be an Evergreener? 

I want to be, I know that. We'll visit some other places, I'm sure- just to see what God is up to here in PDX. But, in the past when we've done that, I've always left feeling very grateful for our little community with the knowledge that there's no other place I'd like to be, worship, fellowship, live and love. 

This season will be my chance to do that in a new way- and maybe my only chance for a long, long time. 

I'm looking forward to it. 

After 7 years, a Sabbatical

bob —  April 19, 2011

When a friend told me last time at this year that traditionally, year 7 is the hardest year for church plants/church planters, I thought "hmmmm" and filed that away for future reference. We had just celebrated our 6 year mark as a church and I was already beginning to see signs of what he was talking about- both within our community and within my own soul. 

At 7, nothing is new anymore- and the energy that sustained you in your "newness" is scarce. People you thought might be with you forever, or at least for awhile longer begin to fade away in search of other things. Staff/leadership relationships begin to creak a bit with age. 

And if you are a church planter, after 7 years, you are tired

So many nights laying awake wondering where so-and-so went, if the marriage of your close friends is going to make it, if the faith someone you baptized who seemed so excited but now seems so not is going to make it… Week after week of set-up, admin, sermon prep, trying to coach, encourage or even cajole people into creating the kinds of ministries they are complaining to you about not having. Times when the tank is full and times when it is empty- but empty or full, you still have to pull something out of it for others. 

I knew going in this great adventure of church planting would be hard- what I couldn't see was how hard it would on my own heart and soul. How even the good and best parts of ministry still take so much out of you.  And especially how the hard parts take a toll- others second guessing your leadership decisions, complaining about things they could easily pitch in to change or create. Baptisms are wonderful, but just as often people say "I think I'm done with faith." Ministry is messy, and for most average, non-mega-church pastors, it's largely thankless.

Which is why I'm SO grateful for our elders and our community. 

Last summer, we began talking about the possiblity of me taking a sabbatical after our 7 year mark. It's a pretty standard practice in ministry to allow a pastor some extended time off after 7 years, and truthfully, I think that over the last year our elders have seen me fraying at the edges and really running out of steam. 

So, in mid-December it moved from discussion to instruction. They told me I needed to take some time away.

That was just what I needed to hear. 

Since then, I've been able to sleep better, rest more… Just knowing that a break was coming has enabled me not only to navigate some hard leadership waters these last few months, but even begin to crawl back a bit from the edges of exhaustion. At this point, I'm not only ready for a break, but feel as though I may actually have the energy to enjoy it. Which again, I'm grateful for…

So, we've announced to our community that from May through July I'm going to be taking a break from the work of ministry. Our family will still be around- I'm looking forward to actually just attending our church and sitting with my wife and kids in our gathering. It's been, uh… never, since we've been able to do that- I've been working at churches our entire marriage. While I hope to take a break from the work part, I really want to remain present in some ways- that is, take a break from work, not from community. I also want to visit some other communities and see what else God is doing here in PDX.

My spiritual director is going to help me with those parts with some regular check-ins to make sure I'm not sneaking in any work- physically or mentally. As he says, "Sabbatical" comes from "Sabbath."

And so, to that end, some things I hope to do on my Sabbatical:

1. Sleep 

2. Break this writer's block

3. Enjoy and be enjoyable to my family

4. Eat, Pray, Love

5. We're going to Disneyland!

6. Week at Richmond Hill Abbey in Richmond VA

7. Road trip with Jack, my 7 year old son

8. Sleep some more. 

 

And who knows… maybe some blogging too :)

 

7 years ago today…

bob —  March 11, 2011

Last year on this day, March 11th, right around this time, I was standing on the roof of a clinic in a village in rural Haiti, using a borrowed phone to try and call home.

This morning, one year later, using terrible hotel wifi, I finally managed to place a Skype call from Spain back home to Portland.

It wasn’t long after we were married that Amy was prophetically saying to me, “I know someday you are going to be traveling- I can tell that’s what God is going to do.” At the time, it sounded exciting…

This week, as my plane left the Portland airport on its way to Madrid, Spain, I began to wonder how those men and women who basically travel for a living do it. Each time I leave home lately- it feels as though it gets harder and harder. More and more of my heart is tied up in every little Janie smile, every new Josie word, every Jack hug and every Amy kiss.

But, as she predicted, God has been taking me places. A few weeks ago it was an incredible time at the Ecclesia Network National Gathering with some of our elders from Evergreen. This week, it’s Christian Associate’s Leadership Summit here in Europe, where I’m taking the time to connect with church planters and learn from some new streams and new relationships. In a few more weeks, to Richmond, VA to help teach a church planter’s bootcamp with/for Ecclesia.

I love new places, I love to see new things- it stimulates my brain in ways that are so very needed. But sometimes, like today, I feel acutely that pang of missing out.

Jack- 7th BDay Party

Seven years ago today my son Jack was born. I love him more than he can know- and am extremely proud of the boy he is becoming. His heart is becoming wonderfully soft and he’s proving quicker than most I know to turn a corner after getting angry, to come and say he’s sorry- often cooling down way before even his daddy! He’s got a generous spirit, a quick mind, and a fun-loving nature that doesn’t stop.
Jack- I wouldn’t want any other boy but you! I love you, guy- Happy Birthday!

Daddy will be home soon.

“Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything‚Äîall she had to live on.’”

This morning, during a group lectio divina meditation on this Scripture, the line the Holy Spirit highlighted for me was this: “She, out of her poverty…”

As we sat with this passage, the question that came up for me was “Where is MY poverty?… And what would it look like to give out of it?”

I suspect that too often, in our context, we are overly-focused on giftedness. We want people to know their gifts (and ours) and, in a sense, to operate out of their “riches.” When it becomes clear that someone is good at something, or has resources in a particular area, we want them to begin serving, giving, worshiping God with that. And so the musician who plays well is encouraged to play for God. When it becomes clear someone can speak and communicate well, we encourage her to use that gift for God and for us. The good graphic designer is pressed into using that gift for the community, the natural leader to lead, the one with the gift of hospitality to be hospitable. And there’s nothing wrong with that. God has given those gifts to us for a reason.

But giving out of our gifts, out of the riches of what we do well and willingly is easy. Maybe too easy, in many ways.

In sitting with the question of where my poverty lays, I realized- we all have areas within ourselves of relative riches and relative poverty. And God wants it all. He created us, bought us at great cost to Himself, and desires that we give to Him our whole selves- that our worship of, devotion to, service of Him be wholistic.

But I wonder if, like us, God tends to smile at certain gifts more than others- not that He doesn’t take delight in all service, all worship honestly given, but…
In the same way we value the hand-made gift, the hand-written note, the thing that shows effort and thought, I wonder if God sees gifts given out of our riches a little differently than gifts given out of our poverty? The easy gift of operating out of our strength vs the harder gift of having to dig deep into our less-comfortable and less competent places.

For me I know I am very comfortable in certain areas of ministry and less so in others.

And as I sat today, meditating on this, I became convinced that God wants me to worship Him not simply out of my surplus- to give to Him what costs me little because I have so much of it, or am good at it. He does want those things- but perhaps what is more worshipful of Him, more forming for me, and ultimately maybe even better for others is when I take stock of the areas where I am poor and decide to give God everything I have there- to step out, and as an act of worship, do what is less comfortable, less likely to end with the positive ego-enhancing feedback we all so love.

God, this Lenten season, may I learn to value my poverty more than my giftedness- my weakness more than my strength. Because it is in my weakness that Your strength and grace are shown and bring me to maturity.